Busy

Oh my goodness, it's been WAY too long! I'm seriously missin' the blog!

Since I began printing my blog as our family journal a few years ago, I have felt compelled to update it at least once a month. Life has become such a blur these past few years, that I've really wanted to take a few minutes- at least once a month- to reflect on where we've been, and what we did, and where we're going.

Since I do prioritize keeping a record of our life as we go, I'm upset when I can't even make it on here once a month to record the highlights of the previous 30 days because,

well,

it makes me feel like a failure!

Which is so interesting, because I struggle with feeling like a failure all the time, from big things all the way down to the dumbest little things... like not keeping up on my blog... but "failure" stuff is far too heavy to dwell on right now!

Actually, I've had a LOT of "too heavy to dwell on right now" moments in the past few months, which is maybe another reason I haven't been blogging. And I'm still too short on time and energy to catch up in this post. The biggest events that have happened since I last posted are probably that Gage received his blue belt in jujitsu, and Olivia turned 6.

And we have another new niece in the family, Sophie, who shares a birthday with Olivia! That's pretty big!

There have definitely been a few blog-worthy things that I have had every intention of writing about, but I am taking a math class to renew my educator license right now, and it has pretty much sent me over the edge. I spend all my spare time trying to finish homework assignments and figure out the material, while simultaneously watching the house fall apart and the kids walk around in mis-matched clothes, hoping that Jon doesn't take on a mistress while I continue to neglect him!

Both of the girls go to school looking like they are orphans, and Jon has been on his own for quite a few things that he hasn't had to deal with in awhile; he now packs his own lunch every day, and I haven't cooked breakfast for him since the first week in January! I do still wash his clothes, but the laundry baskets are heaping with clean, unfolded laundry, because I never get much farther than the dryer before something else demands my immediate attention.

I just find myself completely exhausted and overwhelmed by life right now!

Whenever I become this over-loaded, Jon takes the brunt of the fall-out, because he's all grown up! The kids still get most of my attention, because they need it: I think that's how "survival mode" works for most moms.

But then tonight, I was getting ready for a lesson I am supposed to present to the girls in my Young Women's group at church tomorrow, and while rummaging through a closet looking for an old poem I wanted to use for my lesson, I stumbled across some letters I had written to Jon during the first year of our marriage.

He had been in Southern California doing a herpetology internship for the summer, while I stayed behind in Logan to work. My letters are too embarrassing to quote, but I had written about how much I missed him- and how much I missed every little thing about our life together. How I missed watching him dote over his pet frog, and I missed him throwing his clothes around the hamper, but never in it. I told him that I missed watching him walk around the apartment brushing his teeth for 20 minutes before bed every night, and I said that I hated going home from work every day because I knew he wouldn't be there. I told him how much I missed hiking in the canyon together, and walking, and talking, and cuddling in the morning for 10 more minutes before getting up for the day. I wrote that my first thought of the day, and my last thought at night was of him, and I told him that he was "the one"!

I know, cheesy to the core, and ya know what? I cried like a baby when I read it.

Because every single thing I said is still true!

I miss him like CRAZY!

I miss walking and talking, and cuddling for 10 more minutes in the morning before we start our day. I miss hiking in Logan canyon, and I still don't like going home if I know Jon won't be there. He is definitely still "the one."

And I think I cried because I haven't said any of that to him in a very long time.

It's depressing and upsetting that life has become so busy and hectic and stressful, that I am now in the habit of taking everything that really matters for granted. I express my gratitude for Jon and our kids in my prayers all the time!

But I think I forget to tell Jon. Because I'm too busy stressing about everything that's "wrong," to notice everything that's right.

And yep, life is indeed hard sometimes.

And I am TIRED.

CRAZY TIRED.

But I'm also extremely lucky.

And I think it's true that "happiness does not depend on what happens outside of you, but on what happens inside of you."

I'm glad that I have much to be happy about on the inside, in spite of all that is stressing-me-out on the outside...